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elles_lettersSummary: Changmin is helpless against the emotionally manipulative ploys of his hyung, Kim Jaejoong. That won't stop him from trying to fight it though. Teenage, first-love TVXQ for the win.
Warning: Nope.
Disclaimer: The TVXQ members belong to themselves. All other rights belong to S.M. Entertainment, Avex, C-JeS and Time Warner Entertainment.
Changmin's problems start one night during dinner.
Jaejoong sits a hot bowl of kimchi stew in front of him. He warms his face in the steam, closes his eyes and inhales, and before he knows it, the words slip out of his mouth like a sigh.
"I love you."
He realizes the awkwardness of what he's said as soon as the phrase tumbles out. Jaejoong gives him happy smile and pats him on the head affectionately before ladling out more stew. Changmin dares to look across the table.
Yunho is staring at him, one eyebrow cocked in amusement, Yoochun is leering and Junsu is beaming.
"You're cute, Changmin-ah," Junsu says with a smile before taking a spoonful of spicy broth.
"Shut up," Changmin snaps. "I love anyone who brings me food."
"I made you eggs for breakfast this morning," Yoochun reminds him. "Where's my adoration?"
"They were undercooked," the magnae snarks.
"You haven't tasted the stew, yet," Yunho points out with a grin. Changmin pouts. He can't snap at Yunho. He actually respects him. So he just stuffs his mouth with beef and cabbage, refusing to say anything more.
The mixture of onion, kimchi and red pepper is perfectly blended, with no ingredient overpowering the other. He savors the thick broth for a moment before swallowing it in one big, slow gulp. The groan he lets out borders on sexual.
Junsu laughs and tosses a crumpled paper napkin at his head.
"Not at the table, please," Yunho smirks.
"Shut up, hyung. I'm just hungry."
Yoochun leers. "More like just horny."
Changmin flushes furiously before kicking his leg under the table. His hyungs are crude and immature, and Changmin doesn't know why he hasn't destroyed their lives by leaking nude photographs of them yet. He throws the napkin back across the table and it bounces off Yoochun's face. They lob paper balls at each other over a chorus of Junsu's squeaky laughter and Yunho's exasperated commands.
Nobody notices Jaejoong frowning at his bowl of stew.
Six hours later, Changmin can't get Yoochun's insinuation out of his mind.
He lies in bed, twisting and turning his sheets into knots. In frustration, he sits up and punches his pillow. He doesn't love Jaejoong.
Okay, he does love Jaejoong, but he loves all his hyungs. He loves Yunho like a leader, Yoochun like a brother and Junsu ... well, he loves Junsu.
He collapses back on to his pillows. So yes, he loves Jaejoong. And maybe his love for him is a little different. He's not his leader, although he tries to boss Changmin like he is. He is his hyung, though, and coddles him and buys him lunch every so often.
There's more that can't be labeled as easily. Like the way Jaejoong frets over him when he's sick like a worried mother. The way he lets Changmin put his head on his shoulder to sleep when they have to pile into the van early in the morning for trips across the city. And the way he cooks. He cooks wonderful, delicious foods that taste like home and warmth and love.
WIth just a touch of embarrassment, Changmin remembers some other things. Like how warm Jaejoong's embrace is when he hugs him after a nightmare and how soft his hair looks when he's fresh out of the shower and how big his eyes look when he combs his bangs out of his face and how pink his lips look when they're all made up for the stage and—
And then the realization hits him square in the gut (and a maybe a few inches lower).
He does love Jaejoong. And maybe as more than just a hyung.
Changmin reacts to the realization with the maturity befitting his 15 years.
The shoe he tosses hits Jaejoong in the back of his head with a satisfying thunk!
"Ow!" Jaejoong yelps. He drops the dirty breakfast dish he's washing and it clatters to the ground loudly. "What was that for?" He turns to Changmin, his eyes wet and a lump forming on the back of his head.
Changmin sneers. There's no way he can't know.
"Changmin?" Jaejoong asks. He rubs the back of his head and gives Changmin a look that resembles a pouting baby doe. The younger boy's stomach twists. He knows. He has to know. He knows the effect he has on Changmin and he's playing dirty.
"Stop it!" Changmin orders. He turns on his heel and storms out of the room.
Changmin will not stand for having mushy feelings for Jaejoong. It's not that Jaejoong is a guy; it's that he's high-maintenance, needy and kind of an attention whore. He has to find a way to stop this before he falls too deep.
He racks his brain for a plan before settling on the easiest. He'll ignore it. It's no big deal being in sort-of-like-love with Jaejoong. Everyone is sort of in love with Jaejoong, because Jaejoong goes out of his way to make sure that they are. He's just a victim, he thinks pitifully. A victim of Jaejoong's emotional manipulation.
So the next day, he goes to breakfast and ignores the plate of scrambled eggs and toast that Jaejoong's prepared and grabs an energy bar. He ignores the hurt look Jaejoong shoots him when he does. He ignores Jaejoong's startled yelp when he trips during dance practice and bruises his knee. And he ignores the slight limp in Jaejoong's step when that doesn't stop him from puttering around the kitchen and cooking them all dinner later that evening.
He makes up an excuse not to eat with the others and hides in his room until the kitchen clears out. He sneaks down to make himself a bowl of cereal later that evening and wonders how much longer he can go ignoring Jaejoong before he starves.
"Changmin-ah?" a soft voice asks, interrupting his solitude. Jaejoong approaches him, his face nervous. He sets a bowl of peach-flavored ice cream on the table and scoots it toward Changmin. It's the younger boy's favorite. Jaejoong is a bastard who doesn't play fair. "Are you mad at me?"
"No," Changmin responds shortly. He knows he can't get away with ignoring Jaejoong directly. That'd get Yunho and manager-hyung on his case about respect and he doesn't need anymore lectures about that.
"Are you sure? You haven't eaten anything I've made today. And then there was the shoe."
"I'm sure."
Jaejoong runs his hand through Changmin's bangs and tries one more time to get the other boy to talk. "Then what's wrong?"
"I said there was nothing wrong, hyung," Changmin snaps, slapping Jaejoong's hand away. "I just want you to leave me alone." His face reddens because he knows his words are uncalled for, but he has to nip this love thing in the bud before it blossoms fully and has him doing stupid, moony things. Things like turning around in his seat and apologizing for the punched-in-the-gut look Jaejoong is now wearing.
"I'm sorry, Minnie-ah," Jaejoong responds a minute later. His demeanor is perfectly calm. "I'll leave you be." He stands and walks out. He leaves the bowl of ice cream (and a guilty Changmin) behind.
Jaejoong's hand squeezes the knee of the man sitting next to him and Changmin tries to keep from frowning. Yunho smiles goofily and leans into Jaejoong's touch because, while he's probably the most kind-hearted of them all, he too is an attention whore.
Changmin is used to "YunJae." He's used to watching his two eldest hyungs flirt, tease and touch each other for the sake of swooning fangirls.
What he's not used to is the rush of jealousy that has him glowering at the camera. It's been a full week and his plan to ignore Jaejoong isn't curing him of his fascination. It's actually gotten worse, since Jaejoong has decided to ignore him back. He finds himself missing his hyung's coddling and affection. He finds himself missing his meals.
He shifts uncomfortably in his spot behind the two as Jaejoong slumps against Yunho's shoulder. Out of sight from the camera, Yoochun pinches him on his thigh.
"Look happy!" he hisses under his breath, face still beaming. Changmin gives a forced laugh and tries to look at anything but Jaejoong and Yunho's laced fingers. A few moments later, the MC takes a break from teasing Junsu to ask him who his favorite hyung is.
"None of them," he answers automatically, all cheek and snark. "But Jaejoong-hyung feeds me, so I guess he's okay." He flicks his gaze toward the pair in front of him searching for a reaction from the group's eldest member. Jaejoong just rests his chin on Yunho's arm.
"Changmin-ah loves with his stomach, not his heart," Yunho jokes.
"I think it's because his stomach works better than his heart," Jaejoong pipes in.
Changmin plays the remark off with a smirk and the MC laughs uproariously.
Later that night, he wonders why Jaejoong's joke has his heart feeling like it's freezing in his chest.
Changmin comes up with a new plan the next day.
"I've decided to love you," he tells his hyung one morning. "Only on TV, though, so don't take it too seriously."
Junsu looks up at him from his textbook and stares at him like he's turned florescent orange. "What?" he says around the pen in his mouth
"We're going to love each other for the cameras and be the new YunJae." Changmin studies Junsu thoughtfully. He's decided he'll transfer his unwelcome hyung-crush from Jaejoong to Junsu. Changmin could tolerate Junsu much more than he could the oddball lead singer. Junsu was so eager to please and Changmin was so eager to be pleased; it would be a perfect match.
That's what he tells himself, at least. He's certainly not jealous or anything. He just wants to prove that it's just as easy for him to find a new favorite hyung as it was for Jaejoong to find a new favorite dongsaeng.
"I don't want to be the new YunJae," Junsu tells him. "Besides, they've already paired me with Yoochun." Changmin frowns when he hears this.
"What about me?" he complains. "Who's supposed to like me?"
"You like you. And you don't like fanservice, so I'm not sure why you want to be a couple all of a sudden."
Changmin doesn't like fanservice, but he doesn't like being left out of things even more. He needs Junsu to play along with his shipping excuse so that nobody guesses the true motivation for any sudden shows of affection.
"Tell Yoochun to share. We're going to be MinJun and it's going to be awesome."
"MinSu," Junsu corrects. "And no, I don't think so."
Changmin has to fight the urge to stomp his foot like a three-year-old. "Why not? What's wrong with me?"
"Nothing's wrong with you, Changmin-ah, it's just—"
"You like Yoochun more," Changmin fumes. Jaejoong has ruined him for other hyungs. He got too comfortable, accepting food and attention from their eldest member while growing more distant from the others.
"What? No! We're just ... closer."
Changmin pouts. Junsu gives an apologetic grin and pokes him in the belly. The magnae smacks the finger away.
"You're cute when you're insecure, Minnie-ah. I'll have to remember that."
"Operation: Ignore Jaejoong" gets declared a failure due to lack of cooperation. His back-up plan, "Operation: Smother Jaejoong," gets aborted when Yunho interrupts him as he's standing over the older boy with the pillow. The bruise on his upper arm from when Yunho yanked him away will only take a few days to disappear; but his assigned punishment of taking on of all the member's household chores will last for months. He decides to blame that on Jaejoong, too.
"What's going on with you?" Yunho asks him after he gives him a thorough scolding.
Changmin studies the floor, unable to think of any excuse that will please the older boy.
"Changmin-ah!" Yunho demands. He leads with confidence despite his young age. "Answer me. What's up with you and Jaejoong?"
Changmin kicks at the floor. "Nothing," he grunts.
"Something," Yunho prompts.
"It's nothing you can fix."
"Try me."
He twists under Yunho's glare before balling his fists and rising from the couch. "Make him stop," he demands.
Yunho stares at him, confused. "What?"
Changmin frowns. "Make him stop. I don't want Jaejoong."
"You don't want Jaejoong to do what?"
"I just ... I don't want Jaejoong."
Yunho stares at him bewildered for a few moments before he rolling his eyes in realization. "Is this about you loving him?"
Changmin blushes. "I don't!" he argues. "I mean, I do, but ... but not like that!"
"Is that why you've been ignoring him all week?"
"How'd you know that?"
"I have eyes, Minnie-ah." Yunho crosses his arms and gives him his "I'm disappointed in you" face, but since Yunho is only 17 and hasn't had much practice with it yet, the look just comes off as pouty. "You need to apologize. You hurt his feelings."
"I don't care," Changmin grouses. "I don't love him."
The older boy stiffens and his disappointment becomes annoyance. "You do, Minnie-ah. You know you do. And, you know how sensitive Jaejoong is. He thinks you hate him."
"I ... " Changmin begins. He freezes when Yunho's glare challenges him to continue.
"Apologize," Yunho orders again. "Apologize and be nice. Jaejoong loves you more than he loves any of us. Try and see if you can give a few of those feelings back." The elder boy gives him an affectionate knock on the head before leaving him alone with his thoughts.
It takes Changmin a full day and a half to work up the nerve to face Jaejoong. He decides to confront his hyung as he's preparing dinner. Food has always made everything in his life easier.
He approaches the other boy as he stirs a pot of what smells like kimchi stew. How fitting.
Jaejoong turns away from a cloud of steam to see who's intruded on his cooking time.
"Oh, hi," he says awkwardly. It's the first thing he's said directly to Changmin in more than a week.
"Hey. Need help?"
"Sure," Jaejoong says, eyes widening slightly in surprise. "Set the table?"
"Okay." Changmin pulls a set of stoneware bowls and works in silence as he arranges the table. Jaejoong turns back to his stew and gives the broth a quick taste before adding more red pepper.
Any other time — before Changmin's hyung-love-freakout — Jaejoong would have been babbling away, bragging about the food he was making, complaining about the routines they were learning and cracking lame jokes. Today, the silence is suffocating.
"I don't hate you," Changmin says suddenly as he obsesses over Yoochun's place setting. He can't get the chopsticks to lie parallel, and he fusses with them.
"Huh?"
"I don't hate you," Changmin repeats.
"Okay," Jaejoong replies simply.
"I am mad at you, though."
"What'd I do?"
Changmin fiddles with Yoochun's bowl. "It makes me feel weird," he says lowly. "You babying me and me enjoying it. I don't like it."
"Nobody else minds," Jaejoong says coolly. "No one else ignores me or throws shoes at me."
"No one else gets lullabies or special meals made for them, either. No one else gets made fun of." And that, he realizes is the crux of it.
Jaejoong doesn't reply. Changmin isn't bothered because he doesn't know what he'd expect him to say. He just knows he's now very confused and pretty sure Jaejoong thinks he's an ungrateful brat.
"Yunho said I'm your favorite. Is that true?"
"Yes," the other boy replies with sigh. Jaejoong is always honest with him, even when he shouldn't be.
"Why?"
Jaejoong sets his spoon down and turns to face Changmin. "You just are. You're our baby and I'm the eldest."
"Junsu's more of a baby than I am. Why isn't he your favorite?"
Jaejoong blushes and bites his lip. "Junsu can take care of himself. He doesn't need me looking after him."
That is a flat-out lie. Junsu once got himself locked out of their dormitory in nothing but a pair of boxer shorts and mismatched socks. He needed everyone looking after him. All the time.
"Yunho would never eat or sleep if it weren't for you. Yoochun would be a crying, depressed, homesick mess and Junsu would probably be dead. We all need you. All but me."
"Well," Jaejoong begins, "I like caring for you."
"Why?" Changmin asks again.
Jaejoong gives him an nervous look before turning back to the stove. "It's nothing, Changmin-ah. Thank you for the help."
He won't stand for being dismissed. "Why?" he repeats. "Why would you give all your attention to me when the others need it more?"
Jaejoong ignores him and stirs his stew more vigorously.
"Jaejoong-hyung?"
"Changmin," the older boy pouts. "Just let it go."
Changmin doesn't. He walks closer to the older boy and rests his chin on Jaejoong's shoulder. "Why am I your favorite? Why do you like caring for me?"
Jaejoong slouches just a bit and Changmin takes advantage of the situation to pull the older boy flush against him. Chin on his shoulder and arms around his waist, Changmin sighs into Jaejoong's neck and pokes out his lower lip.
"Hyung!" he whines. He can feel the other boy shiver in his arms.
"I like you, Changminnie," Jaejoong admits quietly. "A lot. I don't know why. I just do."
"That's it?"
"Yeah."
Changmin smiles. "I think I like you, too, hyung."
"You two are so adorable," a voice interrupts. Changmin shoves himself away from the other boy and turns to face the other members. Yoochun gives the pair a lecherous stare, while Yunho and Junsu smile indulgently.
"Yoochun-hyung," Changmin bites out, face deep red. "I ... I ... " he stutters. He notices Jaejoong is quiet, staring sadly into the stew pot as he stirs their dinner. Changmin turns back to Yoochun. "Shut up, hyung," he mumbles before joining Jaejoong at the stove. He look everywhere but at the other boy when he clasps his hand and laces their fingers together. Jaejoong smiles at him and lifts a spoon of stew to his lips. He sips the spicy liquid and sighs as the thick broth burns down his throat.
"Oh my god," he moans. He hears the other members snickering behind him. Jaejoong tightens his grip on his hand. The magnae leans against him and takes in the sounds of his bickering hyungs as they prepare for dinner. He loves them. All of them. And he can't really try and deny it anymore.
"Aish, get a room," Yunho orders.
"This is our room," Jaejoong quips. He holds a piece of cooked beef out for Changmin, who allows him to feed it to him.
There is one, though, he realizes he loves most of all.
