Fic: "My Dear Pain-in-the-Ass," TVXQ/DBSK/Tohoshinki

[elles_letters]

Rating: R
Beta: ligerliger
Summary Yunho and Jaejoong get stuck. Like, literally.
Warning: Sex situations, but nothing graphic
Disclaimer: The TVXQ members belong to themselves. All other rights belong to S.M. Entertainment, Avex, C-JeS and Time Warner Entertainment.


"We should call for help," Jaejoong suggested, trailing a finger across Yunho's naked shoulder with an air of nonchalance that was extremely inappropriate given the situation. He looked up at the man lying on top of him and arched his eyebrow in question. "Don't you think?"

Yunho glared down at him.

"We're calling no one," he said between gritted teeth.

"We could call one of the other three," Jaejoong tried again. "I'm pretty sure they won't be surprised to find out we fuck."

The other man flushed. "I said, no one."

Jaejoong shrugged and wiggled slightly underneath him. Yunho inhaled sharply at the sensation. "Alright, fine," he purred. "I've got nowhere to go. We can just stay like this."

"I could just pull out."

Jaejoong smacked him sharply on the back. "Do it and I'll make sure getting your oversized dick stuck inside things is a problem you'll never run into again."

"This isn't my fault," Yunho huffed. "If you'd just let go of me … "

"It's not my fault, either." Jaejoong attempted to shove Yunho away. "I told you we didn't use enough lube."

"I didn't hear you say that. All I heard you say was 'Fuck me, Yunho. Please, please fuck me.'"

Jaejoong dug his nails into Yunho's back, enjoying the wince of pain that flashed across the other's face.

"The hiss and 'oh shit' you heard when you stuck your finger in was me telling you to use more fucking lube."

"We could try using more now and see if it helps."

Jaejoong craned his neck to look down to where they were joined and grimaced. He flopped his head back on the bed, his lip curled in disgust.

"Doubt it. This is gross enough already."

"What is?"

"You and me. Doing this."

"You think I'm gross?"

"Your dick is shoved up my ass. Yeah, that's kinda gross." He sighed, burying his face in his hands. He could sense Yunho hovering above him, body gone unnaturally still and hurt practically radiating off of him.

"You better not be pouting," Jaejoong said, eyes still hidden behind his fingers.

"You just said I'm gross."

"I said your dick inside me is gross. Nothing personal. All sex is gross. Thank god we get so clouded by hormones we don't notice."

"I think sex can be sweet," Yunho said quietly. "You're the only person I'd do this with. I love you."

Jaejoong removed his hands from his face and smiled warmly. "That is sweet," he murmured. "And that's why I don't mind the nastiness."

Yunho moved forward and kissed Jaejoong deeply. The singer wound his arms around Yunho and ran his fingers through his soft hair. He pulled away to nip at Yunho's jaw when a sudden movement of the other man's hips ripped through him.

"Ah, fuck!" he shouted in pain. "This isn't fun anymore!"

"Sorry! I'm sorry, I forgot." Yunho kissed away the moisture in Jaejoong's eyes before collapsing onto the other man and sighing.

"Let go of me," Yunho tried again, his deep voice reverberating through both their bodies. "Please?"

"I already told you, I can't," Jaejoong insisted. "We'll just have to wait until Little Yunho's not so … swollen."

"What do you mean, 'you can't'? Just relax."

Jaejoong frowned. "'Just relax' he says. Have you had a monster dick trapped in your ass lately?"

"No need to be crude."

Jaejoong gave him a look like he was crazy. "Do you see the position we're in?" He attempted to kick Yunho away. "You're heavy," he whined. "And my legs are asleep. Roll over and let me be on top."

"No way. You're holding on to me too tight. Moving hurts."

Jaejoong didn't reply; instead, he attempted to carefully rearrange the body on top of him.

"You're pushing me further in!" Yunho accused.

"I'm trying to get you off my lungs." Jaejoong shot back. He shook his hair and attempted to blow his bangs from his eyes. "Hold yourself, Yunho-yah. I'm not a mattress."

Yunho pushed himself up, easing himself off the other man's chest. When he moved a bit too quickly, a quick bolt of painful friction shot up his belly. He winced and Jaejoong yelped in surprise. "I'm going to pull out," he decided.

"Don't you dare."

"It'll only hurt for a moment."

"It'll only hurt you for a moment. I'll be cradling my sore ass for a week."

"You have a better idea?"

"Yes. Call someone!"

"No."

"We'll call Yoochun. He's big enough of a whore to not be surprised by this. Junsu's better at keeping secrets, but I think he's too delicate for something like this."

"We're not calling anyone," Yunho repeated. "That's final. Think of something else."

"Fine," Jaejoong stared up at the ceiling before shrugging his naked shoulders. "Just … unhorny yourself. Then you'll be able to get loose."

"How do you expect me to do that without moving?"

"Think unsexy thoughts."

"What?"

"Think about your mother."

"No."

"Think about your little sister."

"Stop it, Jaejoong. You're just making me uncomfortable."

Jaejoong gave him an encouraging smile. "Good. That's what we want." He leaned forward, staring deeply into Yunho's deep brown eyes, and whispered seductively."Think about the fact that all your dead relatives are in heaven right now staring down at us and have been since we were 16-years-old."

Jaejoong watched a flush of red bloom across Yunho's face and shoulders before the younger man sputtered and fumbled away from him. He pulled out — the motion still extremely uncomfortable, but nowhere near as excruciating as when he'd tried before — and hurried to cover himself under the bedsheets.

Jaejoong sighed in relief and collapsed down next to him. "New rule," he gasped as he struggled to find a comfortable position. He turned to lie on his stomach. "From now on, you're not allowed to give me anything except blowjobs."

"I'm not giving you anything, period." Yunho cocooned himself deeper into the bed sheets and comforter. "There's no way I think I'll even be able to get it up now that you have the image of all my elderly relatives looking down on me."

"I'm sure they were all impressed with your performance before this travesty happened."

Yunho smacked Jaejoong on his naked behind, causing the other to shout out in pain and shove him off the bed.

"I hope that hurt, you ass." Jaejoong pulled the blankets from the heap where Yunho fell and wrapped them around himself.

"Joongie…" Yunho whimpered. He climbed back onto the bed and hugged Jaejoong from behind.

"I'm still telling Yoochun," Jaejoong said softly.

Yunho yawned loudly, his warm breath blowing past Jaejoong's ear. "I'll get you back by telling your mom."

Jaejoong elbowed Yunho in the ribs. "No more mentioning mothers."

"'Kay." Yunho pulled Jaejoong tighter against him and nuzzled in close. "Love you," he sighed.

Jaejoong closed his eyes and smiled to himself. "'Love you, too."



A/N: Okay, so it's not physically possible for someone to get stuck inside of someone. But it's funny to think about so ... enjoy?

Other titles I considered were "Stuck in the Middle of You" and "A Hard Head Makes a Sore Bottom."