elles_letters | Fic: "All That We've Lost," TVXQ/DBSK/Tohoshinki

Rating: G
Summary: They could have had it all. If only they both had been brave enough to risk it.
Warning: Post-lawsuit fic. Angsty and angry.
Disclaimer: Jaejoong and Yunho belong to each other. All other rights belong to S.M. Entertainment, Avex, C-JeS and Time Warner Entertainment. The rights to "The Moon and The Sky" belong to Sade Adu and Sony Music Entertainment.

Gracias, aprildelarge por la tranducción de español.

You are the one that got me started/
you could have let me/
love anyone but I only wanted you./
So why did you make me cry?/
Why didn't you come get me one last time?

—Sade, "The Moon and the Sky"

Leaving his group—leaving Yunho—had been the most difficult thing Jaejoong had ever done in his life. It was more difficult than the endless nights of practice that he and the others had trudged through before their debut; more difficult than living in Seoul penniless and alone, saved only by an impossible gamble for stardom; and more difficult than giving up control of his life to the whims and mercies of a thousand teenage fans.

And since escaping his contract, he found himself working harder than he'd ever had in his life. It was tough, but he enjoyed every minute of it. He loved composing his own music, writing his own songs, collecting his own money. It was a welcome change to be treated as an artist rather than an idol.

Well, most of the time anyway.

Today had been difficult. Today, the usual banter of the show's MCs had made his head pound. His heavy television make-up felt unnaturally thick and stiff, and he was desperate for a smoke. He needed to get away from the crowded stage and pushy production assistants. The rush and noise associated with the studio brought up bad memories that Jaejoong wasn't sure he was ready to deal with yet.

He stalked up and down the winding hallways of the studio looking for any place where he could get some peace and quiet. All of the big washrooms on his floor had begun to fill up as the idol groups trickled in for the afternoon music shows and he had definitely wanted to avoid that crowd.

A stage hand had told him about a small bathroom located at the end of the hall three floors up that was rarely occupied. He hustled up the back stairwell before his manager could notice he was gone and walked briskly down the long hallway. It was much quieter on this floor; Jaejoong figured it was the administrative floor where the station's numbers were crunched, ads were bought and sold, and were the studio CEO's came to meet and discuss the future of their programming.

He found the bathroom door next to a potted plant and a janitor's closet. He gave a cursory knock on the door before rushing in. The bathroom was clean, but tiny. There was barely enough space for two adults to stand a comfortable distance from each other. It was the kind of bathroom most people didn't realize was for a single person's use until they accidentally walked in on someone.

Which is exactly how Jaejoong stumbled across his former leader, Yunho, who was washing his hands at the bathroom's small pedestal sink.

Yunho's back was to the bathroom door, giving Jaejoong a moment to study the other man. He was dressed in simple black slacks and a white button down shirt. He was taller than Jaejoong remembered and a bit thinner as well, but no less handsome.

"I'll be out soon," Yunho said without looking up. He cupped his hands together and splashed some water on his face. Tiny rivulets of water ran over his closed eyelids and down his cheeks. For just a moment, he looked to Jaejoong as if he were crying.

"No hurry," Jaejoong answered, keeping his voice low. He shut the door quietly behind him. It was selfish of him (and maybe a little creepy), but he wanted this moment to last for as long as possible. For the first time in two years, Kim Jaejoong and Jung Yunho were in the same room together. Alone. This was not how he'd envisioned this moment, but he wasn't in the position to be picky.

Yunho turned off the sink's taps and grappled blindly with the paper towel dispenser located next to the sink. As he dried his hands, he looked up and spotted Jaejoong's reflection in the mirror. He froze. Jaejoong couldn't fault him for his surprise. What were the chances that they'd run into each other in a private bathroom on a quiet floor in a busy TV studio?

"Jaejoong," Yunho said simply.

Jaejoong smiled to himself. He'd never tire of hearing his name said in that voice. "Yunho-yah," he greeted back.

Yunho crumpled the paper towel and turned to face Jaejoong giving the singer a better look of his face. The Yunho that Jaejoong saw was not the Yunho he remembered leaving. This Yunho seemed to have the weight of the universe hanging upon him. His exhaustion tarnished his face like a harsh make-up: the dark marks underneath his eyes, the paleness of his cheeks and the red bitten into his worn and chapped lips. This Yunho had worry lines where his Yunho had laugh lines. Jaejoong's stomach clinched. He wondered how much of his Yunho remained within this Yunho.

"You look well," Yunho told him. His voice was steady and collected. Jaejoong couldn't read the true meaning behind those words and that terrified him.

"You, too," he lied. "I hope Changmin is well."

"As well as can be expected. And the others?"

Jaejoong looked down. "Junsu's had some ... difficulty, but you already know about that. Things are getting better, though."

"That's good to hear."

They stood in an awkward silence and suddenly Jaejoong had to fight the insane impulse to laugh. He wanted to laugh, to point out to Yunho the sheer ridiculousness of their situation, because in the nearly ten years he'd known this man, the word "awkward" had never applied to them. They were practically married, practically family. The umma and appa of Dong Bang Shin Ki. No, "awkward" had never been their thing.

"Eh ... are you coming or going?" Jaejoong asked.

"I just got here," Yunho answered, tossing the used paper towels into the waste basket. He walked over to a messenger bag and a black blazer hanging off the back of the bathroom door and pulled his cell phone from one of the jacket's pockets. "We have a schedule at 2:30."

"Changmin's here too?"

"Of course," Yunho said coolly. He walked back to the sink and grabbed more towels to dry the moisture from his face. "We've been keeping busy lately. You remember how it is."

"I do," he said softly. "I remember. I hope you both are taking good care of yourselves."

Yunho turned and leaned against the sink. "We're doing fine, Jaejoong. Thank you for your concern."

To anyone else, those words would have seemed sincere; but to Jaejoong, who had spent almost half his life worrying about this man and their bandmates, they were a slap in the face. He had lived for the health and happiness of his group; "concern" was a insulting understatement for what he'd felt for them.

He looked down, his face flushing in embarrassment. "See what they've done to him?" a voice in his head mocked. "What they would have done to you. Is this the new Yunho for the new DBSK? Did you think his image was the only thing they changed?"

At that thought, something in Jaejoong snapped. It snapped so painfully he could actually feel it in his chest. He didn't know if was due to the fear of this sudden distance between them or out of frustration of finally seeing the man that meant so much to him only to find him so changed, but at that moment, he no longer felt in control of his tongue.

"Don't," he whispered coldly, desperately. "It didn't have to be this way. We didn't have to end up like this."

Yunho glared at him with an intensity that Jaejoong had never seen before. Or at least, with an intensity that he had never seen aimed at him before.

"How else could it have been?" he asked, his voice tight and controlled. "You wanted to leave, so you left. There was nothing keeping you here."

Jaejoong stiffened at the implication of his words. "That's not fair."

"No, it wasn't," Yunho answered back. He looked down at the ground, the white-tiled walls, the small light hanging from the ceiling. He looked everywhere except at the man in front of him.

"You could have come with us. You should have come with us."

"Why? So Dong Bang Shin Ki could have been destroyed completely? Is that what you wanted, Jaejoong?"

Jaejoong grabbed the other man's arm in frustration. Yunho pushed off from the sink and stood to his full height. He'd never been that much taller than Jaejoong, but he always seemed to appear broader, more imposing than the other man. The weariness on his face had been replaced with restrained anger. It broke Jaejoong's heart. How did things get so bad between them so fast?

"It wouldn't have been destroyed," he pleaded. "Not as long as all of us were together. We are DBSK, don't you get that?"

"You were DBSK for only as long as they let you be, Jaejoong. The second you left the company, you left Dong Bang Shin Ki. You left us."

"I didn't leave you. I wanted to save you! To save us! All of us! Changmin was sick all of the time, Junsu was getting thinner and thinner, and you were barely getting any sleep. I couldn't watch you all go on like that. We were supposed to go together. We were supposed to save each other." Jaejoong wasn't sure, but he thought he was shaking. The emotion roiling within him nearly left him too weak to stand. He wouldn't collapse, though. There wasn't any way he'd risk looking weak in front of Yunho. There wasn't any way he'd let the other man think he ever regretted leaving.

Yunho looked at down at him. He was still imposing, his face still barely holding back his anger, but his eyes softened with pity just slightly. Yunho could never stay angry with Jaejoong for long. Even after all that had transpired between them, Jaejoong was glad that had never changed.

"We would have struggled," Yunho said patiently. "We all would have struggled just like you three are struggling now."

"We may struggle, but we're free now. We could have all been free to do what we wanted. We could have been together."

"We were together before, Jaejoong."

"No," Jaejoong replied bitterly. "DBS was together before. We weren't, but we could have been. We could have ..." He couldn't finish the sentence. He couldn't bear the pain of speaking the one thing he wanted most in the world aloud.

He cleared his throat and started again. "We would have been together."

At that, Yunho seemed to deflate. He slumped back against the sink, his arm still grasped tightly in Jaejoong's hands, and looked steadily at the singer. "Is that what you're so angry about, Jaejoong-ah?"

The sound of the honorific nearly broke Jaejoong's fragile shell of self-control. He promised himself he wouldn't cry over this man anymore. He scolded himself and told himself that tears got him nowhere. But hearing that name from those lips, he couldn't help the small sniffle that echoed pathetically in the small bathroom.

"We would have been together," he whispered roughly when he regained his composure. "The struggle wouldn't have mattered. We would have been happy."

"For how long, Jaejoong-ah? How long before we began to blame each other for our hardships? How long before we begin to bicker and fight?"

"We'll never know will we? Because you're too much of a coward, Jung Yunho, to give us a chance." Jaejoong didn't know where his anger was coming from; all he knew was that his heart was breaking all over again and this time the man responsible for it was right in front of him.

"We had plenty of chances."

"When!?" Jaejoong nearly exploded. "Please tell me when, Yunho-yah, because I don't remember it. Was it in the beginning when neither of us had a place to sleep? Was it when I almost lost you because of a damn anti-fan? Was it when we all were nearly worked to death in Japan? Tell me! Tell me, please, because I don't remember."

Yunho closed his eyes. "Jaejoong," he started.

Jaejoong refused to be interrupted. "You never gave us a chance. You never took us seriously. You never took me seriously!"

"Jaejoong-ah, lower your voice."

"Yoochun and Junsu," Jaejoong continued, his breath coming faster and faster, "They took the risk. Do they argue? Aren't they still close?"

Yunho hesitated a moment before rushing to the other man and pulling him into a tight embrace. He squeezed the other man tightly, pressing a firm hand on his back in an effort to steady his breathing.

The singer took a shuddering breath in, taking in the mingling scents of Yunho's skin, sweat and cologne. He exhaled and felt some of the tension drain out of him. He had no idea how long he'd been bottling that up, but now that it was gone, he felt empty, tired and defeated.

He felt alone.

After Jaejoong's breath had slowed, Yunho turned to whisper in his ear. "They were never as close as we were, Jaejoongie. You know that. They don't have to risk anything to be together. To be friends. I couldn't risk losing everything."

"But you could risk losing me?"

Yunho sighed, his breath warm and moist against Jaejoong's ear. "That's not what I wanted. I never thought you'd actually leave."

"But I did. And you didn't come with me." Jaejoong's voice cracked with the emotion he struggled to contain.

Yunho smiled sadly and ran his fingers through Jaejoong's hair. "You were always stronger than me, Jaejoong-ah. I don't think I could have survived. It —we wouldn't have worked."

Jaejoong shook his head slightly. "We would have had a chance. Here, with them, we didn't even have that."

"They would have torn us apart. They would have turned all of Cassiopeia, all of our friends and all of the media against us. It would have been too much, Jaejoong-ah. We would have fallen apart."

"Like we have now?"

Yunho couldn't answer that. He simply removed his hands from Jaejoong and took a step back. Jaejoong hadn't noticed how cold the bathroom was before Yunho had grabbed him. Now, he was freezing.

"You three have done better than I imagined you would," Yunho told him. "I just want you to know I'm hoping for the best for you. For all of you."

"It's not too late for you to come with us," Jaejoong said softly.

"It's not too late for you to come back," Yunho replied. The two men looked at each other. Both knew the other was too stubbourn to turn back from their selected path. There could be no backtracking; the best either could hope for would be for their lives to intersect again in the future.

Jaejoong took another deep breath in. "So that's it then? You just expect me to forget you, forget everything, just like that." He shook his head. "I'm sorry but I can't do that."

"I've never expected you to do anything you didn't want to, Jaejoong."

"I miss you."

Yunho smiled. It was the first smile Jaejoong had seen him give since the beginning of their encounter. "I miss you, too."

"Sometimes, I don't think you miss me the way I miss you."

"Jaejoong-ah, it's better this way. Trust me."

Jaejoong wiped his eyes. There were no tears but they burned nonetheless. He felt exposed and vulnerable. "You have another album coming out next month, no?" he asked switching subjects.

"Yeah," Yunho answered. "We've been working hard on it. I'm pretty excited about it."

Jaejoong nodded. "Will you remember us this time?"

Yunho gave a slight frown. "What do you mean?"

"In your thanks and album notes. Can you leave us a message? Something?"

Yunho opened his mouth to answer only to be interrupted by pounding on the bathroom's closed door. "Yunho-sshi?" a loud voice called out, "are you still in there?"

Yunho looked away from Jaejoong to glance down at his cell phone. He made a face when he read the time on the cell's display. "Yah! I'm coming," he shouted back at the door.

"Hurry, please. We go on in ten minutes," the voice answered back.

Yunho rushed around Jaejoong to gather his blazer and bag. The other man gave a small chuckle. "They still have you so well-trained, I see?" Jaejoong said wryly.

His leader turned quickly to face him, the heated glare back on his face. "Jaejoong, I don't appreciate—"

"Yunho-yah," Jaejoong said ruefully, "I was only kidding."

Yunho looked at him uncertainly before grinning sheepishly. "Sorry." He slung his messenger bag over his shoulder and gave Jaejoong another soft smile. Finally, in that smile, could Jaejoong see his Yunho. He was a little tired, obviously, but he was still kind, still loving. "Keep in touch, Jaejoongie."

Jaejoong gave a sad smile. "I have been, Yunho-yah."

Yunho gave him a final glance before slipping out of the bathroom.

And just like that, Jaejoong was alone again.

He leaned against the closed door and lowered himself to the floor, hugging his knees to his chest. He raised his hand to his neck, trying to feel the warmth of Yunho's breath again. This chance encounter wasn't enough. It was never enough between Yunho and him, Jaejoong thought miserably.

Maybe Yunho wasn't the one to blame. Maybe he was simply too greedy and wanted more than what the other man could give. He had always been the one to do the all the taking. He took the other man's time, took his affection, took his word that he was as important to him as any other love. Maybe Yunho finally ran out of what he could give.

They could have been more, so much more, and the wanting of it nearly took Jaejoong's breath away. He didn't think he would ever completely let him go. He couldn't. He'd been in love with Yunho too long to simply forget. He would have risked everything to be with the other man. Yunho thought DBSK was too big a gamble? Jaejoong would have given up his whole world.

If only the other had been as willing.

FIN

You'll always know/
the reason why/
we couldn't have/
the moon and the sky.

A/N: I'm rather pissed off at this story right and am surprised I found the frame of mind to finish it. I spent entirely too much time trying to find a way to embed that song on this post. There is seriously no excuse for why LiveJournal doesn't allow either uploading of audio or embedding of flash code. It's a complete joke. A link to the song was the best I could do, and that's just unacceptable.

If you haven't heard Sade's "The Moon and the Sky," I'd highly recommend you give it a listen. I played this song a lot while writing the YunJae manifesto and as a result, I now always associate it with YunJae. It's very fitting if you ask me, but alas, it's not the happiest song in the world. =/

I haven't written much in the way of YunJae fiction so I'm still taking my time establishing their voice and characterization. Let me know what you think!